Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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