sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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