do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
