Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I want to fling myself into the sun
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
