well you can't waste a boner
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
