I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
