I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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