i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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