I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
