you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
