Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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