I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
only if we run a train.
done.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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