so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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