my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
