i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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