i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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