I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
