my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
