I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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