he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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