my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
