I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
