Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize