The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
