Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize