The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
FUCK WHALES
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