It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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