Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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