hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
