When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
