Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
