Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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