I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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