I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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