I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
