I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
