I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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