The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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