Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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