I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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