It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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