I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize