Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
