I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
