my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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