Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
