Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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