When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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