I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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