I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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