Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
