so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
