i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
