So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
