So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i dont even know how to be here
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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