I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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