Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
