3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
