she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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